Yester-Year

2016 was a strange year for me. Whilst accomplishing a life-long dream of writing a book, I also felt oddly confronted by my past. I began to find many of my fears, my past faults and mistakes, and my old insecurities nipping at my heels. Their whispers became so loud that regret began to accompany me almost daily. Despite fulfilling my dream, it was like I couldn't let anything from my past go.

I found myself writing apology letters to a handful of women I believe I had sinned against. I found myself grieving over my innumerable mistakes, not only in several of my past friendships, but also because of my many selfish (if not immature) choices. Condemnation began to link hands with my regret, and before I knew it I felt trapped within my feelings of failure and shame. I was an emotional mess, and I didn't know what to do.

Through this year's emotional journey I have come to believe that the Lord wants us to be FREE. He truly want us unhindered from the burdens and mistakes of our past, and He want us so complete in Him (and in who we are in Him) that we walk out our lives in liberty and victory. But I have also come to believe that if something is holding us back, He will allow us (just like He did the Israelites who had just been freed from being salves in Egypt) to "walk around the mountain" until we learn to TRUST Him, let go of the past, and let Him guide our future.

So, around the mountain I began to trod...

Whether it was through a song I was listening to or something I read, the Lord would send me "truth nuggets" all along the way. The loudest thing I continuously heard the Lord say to my spirit was to take my thoughts captive. This was because much of my time in this battle was spent in my mind!

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."  2 Corinthians 10:3-6 (NIV)

You see, I had forgotten to... "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8 (NIV)

I was also forgetting that... "...there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."  Romans 8:1 (NIV)

I wasn't taking up my spiritual weapons to squelch the enemy and his accusations and lies. I wasn't claiming the truth that my sins are removed by the blood of Jesus, making me righteous in God's eyes. I wasn't resting in the arms of the only One who can right my mistakes and cover the sins of my past. AND because I was so focused on trying to fix my past, I wasn't enjoying the many blessings I've been given TODAY!

Rather than appreciate what I had, I was running back to bridges that I'd burned... and there was no hope of every getting back across. The peace I was longing for was not to be found there. True peace was only going to come from my "letting go and letting God."

So in faith and through prayer I did just that, and later that very day this is what I read from Focus on the Family:

"Don't let the mistakes you've made over the past 12 months

determine how the next 12 months will go.

Don't live in regret.

Handle whatever consequences you may be facing,

but shake off your poor choices and get on with your life.

Learn from your mistakes and move forward.

Living well is just as much about what you choose to leave behind.

Because... 'our strength doesn't come from desperately hanging on

but from gracefully letting go.'"

As for my blessings today, besides my amazing family, husband and boys, I can honestly say that I have some of the most FAITHFUL, loving, accepting, patient, and gracious friends a girl could wish for. Friends that would reply to an apology letter. Friends that extend forgiveness to a fellow saint who sins. Friends who accept me - warts and all - and want to do life alongside me. You know who you are, and I thank God for you!

Now, I am thankful to be free to enjoy my future. I can't change yesterday, but I can embrace tomorrow!

I remember my affliction and my wandering...

I well remember them,
    and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

Lamentations 3:19-24