I've really come to love and appreciate the song by Unspoken entitled, "Who You Are."
The chorus goes like this:
You can never fall too hard,
So fast, so far
That you can't get back
When you're lost
Where you are is never too late,
So bad, so much
That you can't change
Who you are,
You can change who you are...
So let the ashes fall wherever they land
Come back from wherever you've been
To the foot of the cross
To the feet of Jesus,
The feet of Jesus
The truth is, I've felt lost...
Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to write a novel. Sadly, fear shut me down and kept me from pursuing that dream. Finally, and with God's gentle prompting, I stood up to those voices from the past and tackled that ugly, old fear head on. After 3+ years of endeavoring to write my novel, the dream was achieved!
Faithfully I covered the book in prayer. I worked hard to understand the business and worked even harder to find an agent. I finally found one, and yet the entire time I knew in my spirit it wasn't "right." In complete faith I ended that relationship, and have since been waiting to see what God is going to do. As of now I'm still waiting.
To say it's been easy would be to lie. It's been far from it. Frankly, I've felt confused, disappointed, and angry. The hardest part has been watching God swing the doors wide open for a dear friend who's also a writer. In my heart of hearts I want nothing more than God's BEST for this person, but sometimes the pull of frustration and jealousy overwhelm me and my flesh caves. When it does, I feel so unbelievably lost.
I know God has a plan. I believe that with every core of my being. In fact, I'm seeing Him use this time to work in my heart. The fact that I'm not a crier and am starting to tear up all the time is evidence that God is softening my heart. But for what, I don't know. I have no other avenues to try with my book except self-publishing. And a part of me wonders if that's not creating an Ishmael rather than waiting for my Isaac??? Plus, God himself would have to provide a way to fund that venture because it's anything but cheap. It's just hard waiting and wondering if this dream of mine was and is simply that - a dream that's quickly evaporating. Like the ashes mentioned above in the song, maybe God wants my dream to die so I'll come back to where I belong - at the feet of Jesus. I'd certainly say it's working!
Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
Right now my heart is still sick, but I want to be at the place where I can say, "If my dream needs to die, so be it." Although I am still wrestling with all of this, I do know that I'd rather have Him in the end. And He knows that. He isn't shocked by this turn of events. He isn't shocked by my anger, frustration or jealousy. He knew they'd be coming up and out. But at least I'm assured of one thing: I can never... fall too hard, so fast, so far that I can't get back...When I'm lost.
